Could we be clearer in the ways we speak?

 

I always prided myself on being articulate and having the ability to express myself easily.  I also imagined, quite erroneously, that the people I interacted with on a regular basis would understand what I was saying and respond accordingly to me.  As I have been taught, the quality of our communication determines our relationships. So you can imagine my surprise and frustration when I encountered being misunderstood in interactions with some of the most significant people in my life.

Of course, this opens up a rather long conversation on relationships, a topic I do not want to get into here;  However,  for the purpose of this article, I  want to write about how having clarity in our spoken and written communication can help us to have better interactions in our lives.

When I worked as a Business Analyst and had to write specifications for the design of software systems, it was extremely important to write precise requirements. The documents which contained these specifications were reviewed over and over by critical stakeholders on the project. Often the relationships between the different groups responsible for the projects ended up being contentious or adversarial in nature. Therefore, the requirements that were documented had to be clear and precise and I often felt as if I was drafting a legal document – one that could withstand the scrutiny of the different representative groups on the project. Of course, unclear requirements led to rework in the programming of the software and/or errors further down in the process. This meant delays to critical timelines which directly impacted project costs.

One of the most common errors we are all prone to making in our everyday conversations is to delete or withhold information that is critical.  This is not a conscious decision on our part, yet happens as we are unaware of the ways in which we speak.  Typically, when we delete or withhold information, it is because we make assumptions. We assume that the people we are talking to and writing to, will understand the full intent of what we are trying to convey. More often than not, this gives rise to ambiguity and misunderstanding.  Instead we could employ a simple way to make sure that the other person has understood what we intended to convey by asking him/her to reflect back to us what they heard. In doing this, we can ascertain whether the message was received in the manner in which it was intended or make the necessary clarifications. When this happens, both parties are taking responsibility for their part in the conversation. The onus is not unduly placed on the speaker alone to take responsibility for the communication.

Further, when we use clear, positive language and seek reflection back, we are able to make sure that we have not left out information that we intended to convey. We minimize the possibility of our message getting misconstrued. It minimizes confusion and misunderstanding between both parties which will otherwise color the conversation and set the stage for frustration in the relationship.

Watch this space for further articles on how we might be more careful and precise in our communication in order to have better outcomes in our relationships.

Harini Narayan is a certified Master-practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Life Coach. This is part of a series of articles on how to use our language to have better outcomes. You can reach her at harini@cruciblelearning.com for coaching and workshops.

The Words We Use

 

 

I have a dear friend who was a student of English Literature. When we want to talk to one another, we usually have an informal protocol between us where we send text messages to each other to find out whether we are available for a conversation. And she always texts and asks, “May I call you now?” The fact that she does this habitually endears her to me. It allows me to know that she is asking whether it is okay for her to call me, and suggests that she is considerate of my convenience.

This brings me to the larger subject of what I want to write about here. My earlier article talked about how our language shapes our behavior. It certainly serves to elicit a certain response in the person we are in conversation or correspondence with. The words we choose to use and certainly, the tone of voice we use, serve to set the tone for the conversation, correspondence and by extension, the relationship. When the relationship is significant, as with the people in our lives or at work, this becomes important.
 
When someone says, ‘Can I call you? , it is common to use this instead of the earlier example I gave here. While this may not seem to be incorrect, there is a subtle difference. The word ‘Can’ is used to show possibility as in ‘Do I have the possibility of calling you’ or to show ability – ‘Do I possess the ability to call you?’ In this context of requesting permission from my friend whether I may call her or not,  I display a concern for her convenience when I use the word ‘May I?’ rather than ‘Can I?’ which indicates my ability to call.  My choice of words subtly alters the tone of the exchange and serves to deepen the care between us.

Similarly, when I use the word ‘Should’ it suggests a certain compulsion to do something. It is one thing to use the word ‘Should’ when I am trying to motivate myself to do something that I need to be doing, for instance, “I should exercise three times a week.” The same word used to tell another person what he/she needs to do creates the feeling that there is compulsion from my side. This may not sit too well with the person I am talking to. However when I use the word ‘Could’ instead, it becomes more enabling and less as if I am forcing the other person to do something.
 
Here is a list of these Modal verbs – how could you use them effectively in your communication?
Can, Could, May, Might, Must, Shall, Should, Will, Would.

Harini Narayan is a certified Master-practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Life Coach. This is part of a series of articles on how to use our language to have better outcomes. You can reach her at harini@cruciblelearning.com for coaching and workshops.