Wednesday, August 12, 2020

The Words We Use

 

 

I have a dear friend who was a student of English Literature. When we want to talk to one another, we usually have an informal protocol between us where we send text messages to each other to find out whether we are available for a conversation. And she always texts and asks, “May I call you now?” The fact that she does this habitually endears her to me. It allows me to know that she is asking whether it is okay for her to call me, and suggests that she is considerate of my convenience.

This brings me to the larger subject of what I want to write about here. My earlier article talked about how our language shapes our behavior. It certainly serves to elicit a certain response in the person we are in conversation or correspondence with. The words we choose to use and certainly, the tone of voice we use, serve to set the tone for the conversation, correspondence and by extension, the relationship. When the relationship is significant, as with the people in our lives or at work, this becomes important.
 
When someone says, ‘Can I call you? , it is common to use this instead of the earlier example I gave here. While this may not seem to be incorrect, there is a subtle difference. The word ‘Can’ is used to show possibility as in ‘Do I have the possibility of calling you’ or to show ability – ‘Do I possess the ability to call you?’ In this context of requesting permission from my friend whether I may call her or not,  I display a concern for her convenience when I use the word ‘May I?’ rather than ‘Can I?’ which indicates my ability to call.  My choice of words subtly alters the tone of the exchange and serves to deepen the care between us.

Similarly, when I use the word ‘Should’ it suggests a certain compulsion to do something. It is one thing to use the word ‘Should’ when I am trying to motivate myself to do something that I need to be doing, for instance, “I should exercise three times a week.” The same word used to tell another person what he/she needs to do creates the feeling that there is compulsion from my side. This may not sit too well with the person I am talking to. However when I use the word ‘Could’ instead, it becomes more enabling and less as if I am forcing the other person to do something.
 
Here is a list of these Modal verbs – how could you use them effectively in your communication?
Can, Could, May, Might, Must, Shall, Should, Will, Would.

Harini Narayan is a certified Master-practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Life Coach. This is part of a series of articles on how to use our language to have better outcomes. You can reach her at harini@cruciblelearning.com for coaching and workshops.