Saturday, September 5, 2020

Could we be clearer in the ways we speak?

 

I always prided myself on being articulate and having the ability to express myself easily.  I also imagined, quite erroneously, that the people I interacted with on a regular basis would understand what I was saying and respond accordingly to me.  As I have been taught, the quality of our communication determines our relationships. So you can imagine my surprise and frustration when I encountered being misunderstood in interactions with some of the most significant people in my life.

Of course, this opens up a rather long conversation on relationships, a topic I do not want to get into here;  However,  for the purpose of this article, I  want to write about how having clarity in our spoken and written communication can help us to have better interactions in our lives.

When I worked as a Business Analyst and had to write specifications for the design of software systems, it was extremely important to write precise requirements. The documents which contained these specifications were reviewed over and over by critical stakeholders on the project. Often the relationships between the different groups responsible for the projects ended up being contentious or adversarial in nature. Therefore, the requirements that were documented had to be clear and precise and I often felt as if I was drafting a legal document – one that could withstand the scrutiny of the different representative groups on the project. Of course, unclear requirements led to rework in the programming of the software and/or errors further down in the process. This meant delays to critical timelines which directly impacted project costs.

One of the most common errors we are all prone to making in our everyday conversations is to delete or withhold information that is critical.  This is not a conscious decision on our part, yet happens as we are unaware of the ways in which we speak.  Typically, when we delete or withhold information, it is because we make assumptions. We assume that the people we are talking to and writing to, will understand the full intent of what we are trying to convey. More often than not, this gives rise to ambiguity and misunderstanding.  Instead we could employ a simple way to make sure that the other person has understood what we intended to convey by asking him/her to reflect back to us what they heard. In doing this, we can ascertain whether the message was received in the manner in which it was intended or make the necessary clarifications. When this happens, both parties are taking responsibility for their part in the conversation. The onus is not unduly placed on the speaker alone to take responsibility for the communication.

Further, when we use clear, positive language and seek reflection back, we are able to make sure that we have not left out information that we intended to convey. We minimize the possibility of our message getting misconstrued. It minimizes confusion and misunderstanding between both parties which will otherwise color the conversation and set the stage for frustration in the relationship.

Watch this space for further articles on how we might be more careful and precise in our communication in order to have better outcomes in our relationships.

Harini Narayan is a certified Master-practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Life Coach. This is part of a series of articles on how to use our language to have better outcomes. You can reach her at harini@cruciblelearning.com for coaching and workshops.

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